Huckleberry Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) Tondas made me think of this one. Edited August 19, 2018 by Huckleberry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doohickie Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 A friend of mine used to eat feathers but gave it up when she got down in the dumps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pastajoe Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Guy walking on the beach sees a woman with no arms or legs lying there crying. “Why are you crying?”. “I’ve never been kissed”. So the guy kisses her. She still cries. “Now why are you crying?”. “I’ve never been f$&ked”. Guy picks her up, throws her in the ocean, and says, “Well you’re f$&ked now!”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doohickie Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Obviously stolen off Facebook, but one of the more clever puns I've seen in a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iron Crotch Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Someone subscribes to Pun-based Humor on Facebook. ? 6 of 7 dwarves aren't happy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoss Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 A man gets home from a long day at work. He comes through the door looking for his wife... He says “honey?” No response. He looks in the kitchen, she’s not there. Looks in the living room, she’s not there. He goes up to the bedroom to find her packing her things. ”what’s wrong? Where are you going?” he says. ”I can’t take it anymore. I hear what they say about you around town,” she replies. ”Huh? What do they say about me around town, babe?” ”They say you’re a pedophile.” ”Pedophile!? ... that’s a big word for a 12 year old.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabel79 Posted August 19, 2018 Report Share Posted August 19, 2018 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.... peanut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BagBoy Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying". And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." --Jack Handey from "Deep Thoughts"-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ogre Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 This one is naughty. Farmer Jenkins has a rooster that will f@ck anything. ANYTHING. He catches him with the horse, “Rooster you’re going to f@ck yourself to death!” Rooster nods him off. He catches him the the cow, “Rooster, I’m telling you, you’re going to f@ck yourself to death. Again Rooster disagrees. He catches him with the goat, the ducks etc with same warning every time. Farmer Jenkins wakes one morning to find Rooster lying still at the top of the knoll. “I knew it!” He goes to retrieve the body and says aloud “I told you that you’d f@ck yourself to death.” Rooster opens his eyes and winks as he motions towards the buzzards circling overhead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doohickie Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 11 hours ago, Iron Crotch said: Someone subscribes to Pun-based Humor on Facebook. ? 6 of 7 dwarves aren't happy. Yeah, a friend of mine I guess. I used to post a pun on FB every morning. Then one day I just quit. I still like a good pun though, I just don't want to go through the effort. I also got friend requests from friends of friends of friends just because they wanted to see my puns. I got tired of that, especially the ones that would get up all in my business about non-pun stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Buffalo Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) 4 hours ago, Ogre said: This one is naughty. Farmer Jenkins has a rooster that will f@ck anything. ANYTHING. He catches him with the horse, “Rooster you’re going to f@ck yourself to death!” Rooster nods him off. He catches him the the cow, “Rooster, I’m telling you, you’re going to f@ck yourself to death. Again Rooster disagrees. He catches him with the goat, the ducks etc with same warning every time. Farmer Jenkins wakes one morning to find Rooster lying still at the top of the knoll. “I knew it!” He goes to retrieve the body and says aloud “I told you that you’d f@ck yourself to death.” Rooster opens his eyes and winks as he motions towards the buzzards circling overhead. Reminded me of an old song that a ventriloquist sang with his puppet at Artpark when I was a kid. I had some chickens in my back yard no eggs would they lay... I had some chickens in my back yard no eggs would they lay... One day this rooster came into my yard and caught those chickens completely off guard They're laying eggs now just like they used to now that that rooster came into my yard I had a moo cow no milk would it give... .... .... She's giving eggnog just like she used to now that that rooster came into my yard Garden... It's growing eggplant just like it used to now.... Gum Tree It's growing chicklets just like it used to... Edited August 20, 2018 by North Buffalo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrader Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 On 8/17/2018 at 6:29 PM, R_Dudley said: How do you get a one armed polish man out of a tree? Wave to him... We used to torture my mom with the polish jokes while growing up. My favorite was always what to do if a polish guy throws a grenade at you... pull the pin and throw it back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabre Dance Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 This is my all-time favorite joke - sorry, it is a bit lengthy: A fellow from the big city is out driving through farm country. He passes innumerable farms, all looking pretty much the same. Then, he goes by a farm with a pen out in front of the farmhouse. In the pen is a pig, and as the fellow drives by, he can see the pig is hobbling around on what appears to be a wooden leg. Well, curiosity gets the better of the fellow, so he pulls into the driveway of the farm. Sure enough, the pig in the pen has a handsomely carved wooden leg strapped to it's right hindquarter. The fellow now just HAS to find out about this pig. He goes up to the farmhouse door and knocks. The farmer comes to the door and the fellow says, "Hi - I'm sorry to bother you, but I was driving by and I saw your pig. I've never seen a pig with a wooden leg before and I was just wondering what happened." The farmer says, "We get people stopping all the time to ask - I'll tell you, that is no ordinary pig. That pig is a bona fide hero. Two years ago, my three year old was out back playing by the pond, which she wasn't supposed to be doing. She fell in and of course couldn't swim. That pig heard the splashing, ran back to the pond and jumped in. He swam over to my daughter, grabbed her collar in his mouth and dragged her back to shore. Then he squealed like crazy until we ran back to help. He saved my daughter's life!" "Wow! That's incredible!", the city fellow says. The farmer went on, "That's not all. Last year, after everyone was in bed, there was a small electrical fire in the kitchen. Our smoke alarm malfunctioned and never went off. That pig smelled the smoke, started squealing and kept butting his head up against the kitchen door until he broke the lock. He ran in and up the stairs, still squealing like mad. He woke everyone up, then led us through the smoke down the stairs and out to safety. He saved everyone's lives that night!" The city fellow said, "That's amazing! But, tell me....how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer said, "Well, a pig like that you don't eat all at one time." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huckleberry Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 Another dirty bar joke ? 3 guys survive a horrible plane crash. One has a broken right leg and can't walk, one has a broken left arm and the third guy is black and by some miracle has no injuries After a week they run out of food, so the guy with the broken leg says: This leg has no use for me, lets cut it off and eat it. All 3 survive for a couple of more days but the hunger starts to set in again. So the guy with the broken arm says: this arm has no use for me, lets cut it off and eat it. After a couple of days the hunger sets in again. So the two guys start looking at the black guy and wonder what part they'll eat. He unzips his pants and takes out this big monster. The two others start drooling and think we can eat at least a week now. The black guy whips it out and says: For the next few days we are eating porridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sabills Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 A very-specific-to-my-job joke for you: QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders NULL. Orders a bear. Orders a lizard. Orders a sfdeljknesv. A customer walks into the bar, asks where the bathroom is, and the whole place explodes. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josie Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 9 minutes ago, sabills said: A very-specific-to-my-job joke for you: QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders NULL. Orders a bear. Orders a lizard. Orders a sfdeljknesv. A customer walks into the bar, asks where the bathroom is, and the whole place explodes. 99 damn little bugs in my code 99 damn little bugs Take one down, patch it around, 127 damn little bugs in my code 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabre Dance Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 OK, here's another. Also long, but pretty funny: An older couple are sitting on their patio one beautiful spring morning having breakfast. As they're lingering over a second cup of coffee, Marie turns to her husband and says, "John, if I were to die, would you remarry?" John puts his coffee cup down and looks aghast at his wife. "Now, Marie, we're sitting here on this beautiful spring morning enjoying this wonderful breakfast you prepared and you ask a question like that out of the blue? This isn't the right time or place for that question, so I'm not going to answer." Marie relents, but brings the same question up later in the day. Again, John refuses to answer. Marie asks John the same question the next day; John still won't answer. Finally, on the third day, John finally gives in. "Marie, you know I love you very much and I would be heartbroken if you were to pass away before me. It would take a very long time, but eventually, I think I would re-marry." Marie looks intently at her husband and says, "Well, if you did re-marry, would you and your new wife live here in our house?" John's brows furrow as he answers, "Well, we've lived happily in this house all these many years. It holds such wonderful memories that I don't think I would want to live anywhere else. So, yes, I would live here with my new wife." Marie goes on, "Would you and your new wife sleep in our bed, or would you buy a new mattress?" John replies, "I know that is a very personal issue, but it is such a comfortable mattress that I think I would not buy a new one." Exasperated, Marie finally blurts out, "Would you even let your new wife play golf with my golf clubs?" John says, "Of course not! She’s left-handed!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ogre Posted August 20, 2018 Report Share Posted August 20, 2018 A Flyers fan and a Bruins fan are walking down the railroad tracks. They walk along without speaking for quite some time. The Flyers fan finally breaks the silence “Man these are the loooooongest stairs I’ve ever climbed!” The Bruins fan responds “What really gets me is how low these handrails are!” 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabel79 Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 Seems like a good place to put this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neo Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) I’d like to buy a vowel .... or a lifeline ... or something. Edit ... ok, I Googled the interwebs ... and it’s funny. Edited August 21, 2018 by Neo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 11 hours ago, Sabre Dance said: This is my all-time favorite joke - sorry, it is a bit lengthy: A fellow from the big city is out driving through farm country. He passes innumerable farms, all looking pretty much the same. Then, he goes by a farm with a pen out in front of the farmhouse. In the pen is a pig, and as the fellow drives by, he can see the pig is hobbling around on what appears to be a wooden leg. Well, curiosity gets the better of the fellow, so he pulls into the driveway of the farm. Sure enough, the pig in the pen has a handsomely carved wooden leg strapped to it's right hindquarter. The fellow now just HAS to find out about this pig. He goes up to the farmhouse door and knocks. The farmer comes to the door and the fellow says, "Hi - I'm sorry to bother you, but I was driving by and I saw your pig. I've never seen a pig with a wooden leg before and I was just wondering what happened." The farmer says, "We get people stopping all the time to ask - I'll tell you, that is no ordinary pig. That pig is a bona fide hero. Two years ago, my three year old was out back playing by the pond, which she wasn't supposed to be doing. She fell in and of course couldn't swim. That pig heard the splashing, ran back to the pond and jumped in. He swam over to my daughter, grabbed her collar in his mouth and dragged her back to shore. Then he squealed like crazy until we ran back to help. He saved my daughter's life!" "Wow! That's incredible!", the city fellow says. The farmer went on, "That's not all. Last year, after everyone was in bed, there was a small electrical fire in the kitchen. Our smoke alarm malfunctioned and never went off. That pig smelled the smoke, started squealing and kept butting his head up against the kitchen door until he broke the lock. He ran in and up the stairs, still squealing like mad. He woke everyone up, then led us through the smoke down the stairs and out to safety. He saved everyone's lives that night!" The city fellow said, "That's amazing! But, tell me....how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer said, "Well, a pig like that you don't eat all at one time." I loved this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubkev Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 What's the difference between canoes and Canadians? Canoes tip! Take that, Canada! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabre Dance Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 10 hours ago, Eleven said: I loved this. Thank you - don't forget to tip your server. I'll be here all week. Try the veal... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drunkard Posted August 21, 2018 Report Share Posted August 21, 2018 A guy walks into his house carrying a duck in his arm. He walks into the kitchen where his wife is sitting at the table. The guy says "And this is the pig I used to f-ck". His wife says, honey, that's a duck". The husband says, I know, I was talking to the duck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woods-racer Posted August 23, 2018 Report Share Posted August 23, 2018 How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and another to drink till the room starts to spin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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