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nfreeman

OT — heard a funny one lately? Post it here.

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This cracked me right up:

 

A man tells his spiritual adviser:  I have a strong desire to live to eternity.

 

"Get married" replies the adviser.

 

"Would that allow me to live forever?" asks the man.

 

"Not really but the desire will disappear."

  • Haha 1

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Not new but timeless:

 

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?                                                   An ambulance - it must be something serious.               Maybe it was just how 1 of my favorite morning DJ's cracked up, that made me as well.

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A seal walked into a club...

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Simple as can be, but this one always gets me.

 

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

”Dam”

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I will try to translate and its a bit dirty but this joke is called 

"the black night"

Guy walks into an empty bar , its only 21:30 pm, wonders why its empty.

Go sits at the bar and orders a beer.   

Bar owner:  You can have one, but you have to be gone at 22:00 , because the Black Knight will be here and I don't want to be around when that happens.

few minutes later, he orders another beer ..

Bar owner: Ok but this is your last one, the black knight is coming and I don't want to be around by then.

at 21:55 he orders another beer ...

Bar owner in a panic:  Hey man here are the keys , you lock up when you are done, the black knight is coming and I don't want to be here when he arrives.

Guy wonders what all the fuss is about, but at 22:05 someone taps him on the shoulder, he turns around and sees this big  black guy behind him.

Dude gets nervous and starts shaking

Black guy: Unzips pants, and tells him to get on his knees

He gets on his knees, and starts giving him a BJ 

Black guy: DO IT FASTER

he tries to go as fast as he can

Black guy: DO IT FASTER

he yells but I'm going as fast as I can, I can't go any faster

Black guy: GO FASTER , the Black knight is coming and I don't want to be around when that happens....

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Jeez, non of the jokes I can tell are appropriate... 

the old stand by one are what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other... Eileen.

the paraplegic on the floor.... Mat,   the paraplegic on the wall... Art,    the paraplegic in a tub.. Bob... ok its late and I am out of jokes but you gotta see Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters on Johnny Carson: Johnny Carson

Edited by North Buffalo

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Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender:"Hey, why the long face?"

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The US political climate is in turmoil, the country's people ask the question, "What would our founding fathers do if they were alive today?"

Easy. Desperately and confusedly claw at the ceilings of their coffins. 

  • Like 1

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52 minutes ago, josie said:

The US political climate is in turmoil, the country's people ask the question, "What would our founding fathers do if they were alive today?"

Easy. Desperately and confusedly claw at the ceilings of their coffins. 

That took me a minute but I like it.

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One friend to another: I met my wife at a garage sale

friend: Glad you brought it up yourself.

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Good stuff in here!  Good stuff.

 

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How do you get a one armed polish man out of a tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wave to him...

 

 

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ok, ok, that last one was the dad joke, this ones a little dirty but i'll try to use appropriate adjectives..... And apologies in advance for a guy joke to all the fine ladies who frequent this site..

Please stop here if you will be offended...

 

So a doctor is introducing  a new intern to the hospital while making his rounds, 

As they walk through one of floors they pass a room with the door open while a nurse is furiously jacking off a patient at attention and the new Dr. is aghast.

Don't worry says the veteran this is the dysfunction floor and that's one of the newest effective treatments we developed.

They pass another room same therapy, same thing is going on. 

They pass the 3rd room, door open and this time theirs a nurse going down hard giving this at attention patient a BJ, the new physician again is flummoxed?

Oh says the veteran Dr. ... That's a better Health coverage benefits plan ! 

 

 

 

 

I also happen to work in the health ins industry so there's that.

 

  

Edited by R_Dudley

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Ok, kind of lame, but one of Rita Rudner's best bits.

Seems she'd been married for about 3 years and catching a lot of flack from her grandmother for not having any children.  "Rita!  When's it going to happen?  When will I finally be a great grandmother?"  The reply was "don't know; probably when you do something extraordinary."

 

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Thank you, all.  I had more than one chuckle.

Of course, I’m intellectually sound, emotionally whole, and honest.  Imagine if I weren’t.

Oh, the identities I could assume and the grievances I could manufacture.

Joke:  You are all misogynist, racist, human centric, rape culture promoting, discriminators against the otherly-abled!  And the Poles!

Punchline:  That last sentence is bizarre and untrue.  It almost always is, regardless of how loudly it’s screamed or how often it’s repeated.

Musings around language and the elements of humor in our through the looking glass society ...

 

 

Edited by Neo

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22 hours ago, Huckleberry said:

One friend to another: I met my wife at a garage sale

friend: Glad you brought it up yourself.

Ok, I've stared at this for a whole day now and still don't get it.

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5 minutes ago, Eleven said:

Ok, I've stared at this for a whole day now and still don't get it.

Maybe a bit lost in translation again, but over here nothing good you get at a garage sale, mostly crap.

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8 minutes ago, Huckleberry said:

Maybe a bit lost in translation again, but over here nothing good you get at a garage sale, mostly crap.

So Brussels has been blessed with the French language and the German sense of humor.

(Just kidding!)

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39 minutes ago, Eleven said:

So Brussels has been blessed with the French language and the German sense of humor.

(Just kidding!)

I think you want a fight with me 😛

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Bear walks into a bar - "I will have,.................

.................. a shot and a beer."

Bartender - "Why the big paws?"

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3 prisoners are captured by a native tribe and put on trial.

At the trial, the tribal king declares the 1st prisoner guilty and asks him what punishment he wishes, Death or Puki-Puki?

The prisoner, who doesn't know what Puki-Puki is and thinks it has to be better than death, tells the King, "I choose Puki-Puki."

The King says,  "Then Puki-Puki it is!"  At that point, all the tribesmen take turns on the prisoner (in every way possible).

Next, the King bellows.  "Prisoner number 2, you are found guilty, what punishment do you wish, Death or Puki-Puki?"

Prisoner number 2 knows what he is in for, but doesn't want to die, so he chooses Puki-Puki.

The King says,  "Then Puki-Puki it is!"  At that point, all the tribesmen again take turns on the prisoner (in every way possible).

Next, the King bellows.  "Prisoner number 3, you are found guilty, what punishment do you wish, Death or Puki-Puki?"

At this point, prisoner number 3, seeing what has happened to both prisoners number 1 and 2, comes to the conclusion that he would rather die than to endure what the other prisoners endured, says to the king, "F YOU, I CHOOSE DEATH!"

To this the king replies, Then Death it shall be",,,,,,,,but first, Puki-Puki.

Edited by Tondas

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