Helicopter Parents

[LabattBlue]

Anyone have friends or family who are helicopter parents(google it, if you don’t know what it means).

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, you could have parents out there who don’t give a damn about their kids, but this is the other extreme.

 

Know anyone like this??

Edited February 9, 2023 by LabattBlue

[matter2003]

I've only seen stuff like this in movies where the kids are like 30+ living at home and are super weird or autistic.

[Taro T]

48 minutes ago, LabattBlue said:

Anyone have friends or family who are helicopter parents(google it, if you don’t know what it means).

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, you could have parents out there who don’t give a damn about their kids, but this is the other extreme  

 

Know anyone like this??

One of the kids on my one son's youth team had big time helicopter parents.  Drove the other guy that coached with this kid nuts, but just knew what was coming & dealt with it.  Was what it was.

They were nice people, but had different views on parenting than yours truly.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Taro T
Fixed atrocious grammar

[#freejame]

My dad took me in a helicopter over the Grand Canyon when I think I was 8. Was a really cool experience. Later, I broke my wrist jumping out a helicopter and now I have arthritis. I was very much looking forward to jumping out of a helicopter because riding over the Grand Canyon was a lot of fun. Obviously this disappointment can be attributed to my dad being a helicopter parent. I agree they are bad. 

[mjd1001]

21 minutes ago, LabattBlue said:

Anyone have friends or family who are helicopter parents(google it, if you don’t know what it means).

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, you could have parents out there who don’t give a damn about their kids, but this is the other extreme  

 

Know anyone like this??

Have somewhat a case of it with a relative I am exposed to a couple times a year. The kid is approaching middle school, but has basically zero autonomy in life.  Was he introduced to sports to decide which one/if he wanted to play? Nope. His father wasn't into sports so the kid never got to try any.  The father liked playing Guitar growing up, so guess what, a few years ago the kid was given a guitar (when he was under 10), he had little interest in it but he got it and was given lessons.  Star Wars...the kid didn't really show any huge interest in it, but his father loved it growing up, along with the Transformers, so guess what, every year the kid is given star wars and transformers toys one after the other. 

And there is the flip side to it that I experienced myself.  The kid likes Pokemon cards.  When we visited a year or so ago, he wanted to show me his collection so we sat on the couch and we went through them, he was excited talking about them.  But his father never liked Pokemon...so that day when his father walked in the house as we were sitting on the couch going through Pokemon cards...his father looked at us and told his son to put the pokemon  away because he bought  toy light sabes...and he called his son over and then proceded to try to get him to engage in a fake light sabre battle with him.

[Getpucksdeep]

41 minutes ago, LabattBlue said:

Anyone have friends or family who are helicopter parents(google it, if you don’t know what it means).

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, you could have parents out there who don’t give a damn about their kids, but this is the other extreme  

 

Know anyone like this??

Yup.  Gen X is both great and terrible at parenting.  On the whole it seems like a huge shift compared to our parents generation. I mostly blame the technology for enabling it and the culture of fear we've built with MSM/cable/internet.  I wonder how all these kids going to establish themselves as adults and reproduce independently? 

There's also the less popular term "lawn mower parents".  Mowing over any and all adversity your child might face.  

[Indabuff]

My kids are still young so tough to tell about other kids their age but being overly coddled is not a good thing in the long run.   If you don't experience adversity how will you handle it when your parents aren't around?

Edited February 9, 2023 by Indabuff

[Scottysabres]

Have 2 daughters, 25, 18. I'm not a Helicoptor Parent, I'm an Apache 64D Longbow Dad.

[Eleven]

18 minutes ago, Indabuff said:

My kids are still young so tough to tell about other kids their age but being overly coddled is not a good thing in the long run.   If you don't experience adversity how will you handle it when your parents aren't around?

I can't agree more.  I don't have children, but it is obvious to me that we adults have completely failed the current generation of children and maybe even the zoomers.  We have nerfed life too much.  Kids as young as 12 used to babysit, or have paper routes, or mow lawns, etc. for pocket money.  That doesn't happen anymore--too dangerous.  They're not allowed to drink until age 21 (neither was my generation, but let's face it, we all got around it and that's harder now); states talk about raising the driving age to 18 or even 21; it seems like we want to protect them from every possible negative thing.

And that's okay--when they are children.  When they are adolescents and young adults, it changes.  They've got to learn to behave responsibly when to do otherwise would have bad consequences.  

When my nephew turned 12, I gave him a Swiss army knife.  My sister was ready to kill me.  But come on, he's 12!  Pretty sure Tom Sawyer was whittling well before age 12.

There even used to be a Red Cross babysitting course for 12 year olds.  We don't empower kids to make decisions anymore and that is harmful to their development and to societal advancement.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Eleven

[RochesterExpat]

21 minutes ago, Getpucksdeep said:

On the whole it seems like a huge shift compared to our parents generation. I mostly blame the technology for enabling it and the culture of fear we've built with MSM/cable/internet.

I don't understand this absurd fear of kids getting hurt and sheltering of them to no end. We swapped band-aids and Neosporin for home surveillance cameras and children wearing leashes at the grocery store.

3 minutes ago, Eleven said:

When my nephew turned 12, I gave him a Swiss army knife.  My sister was ready to kill me.  But come on, he's 12!  Pretty sure Tom Sawyer was whittling well before age 12.

Our 8 year old has a bow, a BB gun and a pocket knife (more accurately a multitool). I told this to one of my wife's friends and she thought we were crazy and now won't let her kid over to our house for the boys to play. Keep in mind, the BB gun stays locked in the gun safe with the other guns and the bow is with my bow locked away in my workshop at all times unless getting used under supervision. He's allowed to keep the multitool on him when he's walking around the property, but he's also aware that if he's seen using it as a toy, it's gone. We've had zero issues. 

When I was 8 I sliced my thumb open on a pocket knife my grandfather gave me. I'll never forget crying and him just going "Well that was stupid of you. Probably shouldn't cut toward yourself next time." That was that. Lesson learned.

14 minutes ago, Indabuff said:

My kids are still young so tough to tell at this age but being overly coddled is not a good thing in the long run.   If you don't experience adversity how will you handle it when your parents aren't around?

People give me a weird look when I tell the kid to "figure it out" whenever he comes crying with a small problem. Can't figure out how to assemble the latest Lego set grandma bought? Figure it out, kid. I'm not going to do it for you. Is it really worth getting upset over? Just work the problem.

Same as all the workbooks we buy him. He's done some of the 4th and 5th grade workbooks and gets stuck because the subjects are beyond what he's covered so far in the 2nd grade. That's fine. I'll show him how to do one problem after he reads the example problem out loud, but I'm not going to do the rest for him. He's a smart kid. He can figure it out. If he needs help, he gets enough to get him doing it on his own. I don't pretend to know how parenting is supposed to work, but that's at least my attitude and I'm sticking with it.

1 hour ago, LabattBlue said:

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 

The wife and I already had the discussion about how to handle children post-high school and we're both (thankfully) in agreement. If they're not actively working a full-time job or attending school, they're not living at home. If they're working, they're only living at home while they save money to find a place to live. I will not have a 25 year old chilling on my couch. I left home at 18 to go to college. That didn't work out so I joined the military. My sister did a PhD and lived at home during summers for 8 years after high school, but as soon as she got her PhD, she was on her own. We both turned out alright.

[Eleven]

Just now, RochesterExpat said:

the bow is with my bow locked away in my workshop at all times

We were doing archery in gym class at age 8.  

[RochesterExpat]

1 minute ago, Eleven said:

We were doing archery in gym class at age 8.  

Oh boy times have changed.

[LabattBlue]

We have friends who have a daughter who frequents Chippewa and the other downtown hotspots.  Instead of Uber or naming a designated driver within the group, one of the girls parents will drive them down there, and then go back and pick them up when done…12, 1 or 2 in the morning. 

[JoeSchmoe]

2 hours ago, LabattBlue said:

Anyone have friends or family who are helicopter parents(google it, if you don’t know what it means).

 I have a sibling with two kids in the 22-24 range, and both parents watch over them like they are 10.  No surprise, they both still live at home while in school. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, you could have parents out there who don’t give a damn about their kids, but this is the other extreme.

 

Know anyone like this??

I consider myself among the many Gen X'ers that didn't let my now 15 and 13yo kids fail and figure stuff out for themselves when they were younger. Now they suck at it and are playing catch-up when compared to my generation.

That said, I think that it makes a lot of financial sense for a kid to stay at home if you live close to a good school/program that they are interested in. I've seen plenty of colleagues' kids go away to "find themselves" only to be unemployed/unemployable after getting their liberal art$ diploma$ somewhere out of town.

[Contempt]

1 hour ago, Eleven said:

They're not allowed to drink until age 21 (neither was my generation, but let's face it, we all got around it and that's harder now); states talk about raising the driving age to 18 or even 21; it seems like we want to protect them from every possible negative thing.

Pretty soon the only things you'll be able to do at 18 are join the Army, vote, and buy as many firearms as you can afford.

Read an article the other day about vacation rentals and how many now won't rent to people under the age of 23, you can't rent a car until you're 25, a golf course near me requires you to be 21 to rent a golf cart. A freaking golf cart. They can drive themselves to the course but they can't rent a cart. Ok.

My kids cut grass in our neighborhood and they can basically cut as many lawns as they want and charge whatever they want to charge. They bought a second mower last year to increase productivity. Thier only competition is landscaping services. Huge neighborhood, no other kids do it and most don't even cut their own. They want to save up to get a zero turn and really speed up what they can do. I get it but I'm dissuading them from that as one is going away to school in less than two years, but the younger one could pull it off alone if he then recruited some help.

[Curt]

15 minutes ago, LabattBlue said:

We have friends who have a daughter who frequents Chippewa and the other downtown hotspots.  Instead of Uber or naming a designated driver within the group, one of the girls parents will drive them down there, and then go back and pick them up when done…12, 1 or 2 in the morning. 

If the parent doesn’t mind, I don’t see an issue with this.  I don’t see that as being an overbearing or smothering parent.  That’s just family helping eachother.

The daughter should feel lucky to have parents who are willing and able to do that.  Definitely cheaper than Uber.

[Contempt]

The bigger issue I see is the lack of problem solving skills. We all used to spend a lot of time and energy and brain power trying to figure out how to not get caught doing something or how to acquire something we couldn't acquire. This is real life problem solving. We couldn't ask adults for help and we got it done. Buying beer, getting home from foreign countries, evading the EZPass because it would record when you crossed over a bridge you were told not to cross with the car, etc etc.

My oldest is 16 and hasn't even attempted some of the things I'd mastered by that age. Some of that is good I guess, but he's going to leave my house with way less actual experience solving real problems and some of that stuff was just plain adventure. Figuring out how to get into the Sundowner at age 16 was a highlight of adolescence.

Whatever. I'm old. Get off my lawn.

[Contempt]

2 minutes ago, Curt said:

If the parent doesn’t mind, I don’t see an issue with this.  I don’t see that as being an overbearing or smothering parent.  That’s just family helping eachother.

The daughter should feel lucky to have parents who are willing and able to do that.  Definitely cheaper than Uber.

It's lack of problem solving and responsibility. It also completely prevents the spontaneous hook up if your dad is your ride home to your childhood bedroom when you are over 21. These aren't kids anymore, these are full on adults. Parents shouldnt be doing that anymore unless it's an emergency nor should they want to. Go. Be an adult. I don't need to be part of it.

[Buffalonill]

Are they Mexican? Because I've seen Mexican families have  Daughters and sons stay till they're past their thirties until they get married

[Eleven]

38 minutes ago, Contempt said:

Read an article the other day about vacation rentals and how many now won't rent to people under the age of 23, you can't rent a car until you're 25, a golf course near me requires you to be 21 to rent a golf cart. A freaking golf cart.

Some of this is ridiculous and probably illegal.  There are under-23s who legit travel for business (or vacation) and need places to stay.  NYS finally fixed the car rental thing, and GOLF CARTS?  Andrew Brunette is not under 21. 

My closest friends had children by age 23, for crying out loud.  It's just insane how we are making everyone under 30 wear helmets for every freaking thing.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Eleven

[Curt]

56 minutes ago, Contempt said:

It's lack of problem solving and responsibility. It also completely prevents the spontaneous hook up if your dad is your ride home to your childhood bedroom when you are over 21. These aren't kids anymore, these are full on adults. Parents shouldnt be doing that anymore unless it's an emergency nor should they want to. Go. Be an adult. I don't need to be part of it.

I disagree.  Just because a child is over 21 doesn’t mean that a parent shouldn’t be a part of their adult life or do something to help them.

It’s obvious that these young women are not out looking for spontaneous drunk hookups.  That’s probably a good thing.  I’ve been there and it certainly didn’t teach me anything about being an adult.

Don’t get me wrong, a parent shouldn’t absolutely insist on doing something like this, or make their adult kid feel like they can’t go out on their own, but I don’t see this particular example as a destructive thing.  I think a parent could definitely raise an independent, capable young adult and also pick them up from from the bar once in a while.

 

Just my opinion.

[Eleven]

1 minute ago, Curt said:

I disagree.  Just because a child is over 21 doesn’t mean that a parent shouldn’t be a part of their adult life or do something to help them.

It’s obvious that these young women are not out looking for spontaneous drunk hookups.  That’s probably a good thing.  I’ve been there and it certainly didn’t teach me anything about being an adult.

Don’t get me wrong, a parent shouldn’t absolutely insist on doing something like this, or make their adult kid feel like they can’t go out on their own, but I don’t see this particular example as a destructive thing.  I think a parent could definitely raise an independent, capable young adult and also pick them up from from the bar once in a while.

 

Just my opinion.

This is reasonable and it's not overstepping.  And 21 isn't a child subject to helicopter parenting anyway, or at least shouldn't be.

My parents have done many things, well into my adult life, to help me when I've needed it--and I for them.  That's just being family.

[Curt]

1 hour ago, Buffalonill said:

Are they Mexican? Because I've seen Mexican families have  Daughters and sons stay till they're past their thirties until they get married

This definitely is a thing, it’s not just specifically Mexican families though.  In a lot of families from other parts of the world, children generally live with the parents until they are married at least, and generally the parents live with one of their children when they start to get a little older.  Sometimes they never really “move out” at all, and just continue to live as a multi-generational family unit.

Somewhere along the way, in N. American culture, it became the standard goal for young adults to get out of the house and out of their parents’ hair as soon as possible.  I’m not sure that is really the best set up for anyone.

I think a fair number of young adults feel that once they are out of high school, they are “supposed to” get away from their parents and do their own thing by themselves, but end up feeling kind of lost and/or lonely out on their own.

Meanwhile, I think plenty of parents, as they retire and enter their 60’s/70’s also struggle with loneliness and have trouble finding purpose.  They wish that they had a closer relationship with their adult children and were more a part of their lives.

As I get older, it’s becoming more obvious to me that people, young and old, are generally meant to live as part of a family unit and feel happiest when they do.  If you think about it, that must be the type of environment that humans developed in and lived in for tens of thousands of years.

I think this may be something that our western, especially N. American, culture kind of lost in the past 100 or so years.  I think it may be leading to less happy/healthy people in general.

Sorry for the rant.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Curt

[Contempt]

2 hours ago, Eleven said:

This is reasonable and it's not overstepping.  And 21 isn't a child subject to helicopter parenting anyway, or at least shouldn't be.

My parents have done many things, well into my adult life, to help me when I've needed it--and I for them.  That's just being family.

Me too, but being my ride home from the bar on a regular basis wasn't on that list. It's more like, can you pick up the kids from swim practice because im stuck at work or can you drive me to the airport.

[shrader]

I have a 1 year old who is unusually tall and at this point can reach just about anything on our counters. I guess I’m a helicopter parent right now.