Eleven Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 (edited) I don't feel like rhyming this year. And it's earlier than my usual annual, but I have stuff to do this year. So our friend Derrico, inspired by 1980s style text adventures, and maybe a touch of Homestar Runner, is going to help us out. As we begin our scene: You are DERRICO, our adventurer fair! You will save Christmas! You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >> E The house is not important. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >> Pry boards I already told you, the house is not important. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Open mailbox. You see a leaflet. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Read leaflet. Welcome, DERRICO, our hero. Today, you are responsible to save CHRISTMAS. Will you accept the challenge? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Y A passage opens to the NORTH. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>N You are in a clearing. Before you is a bale of hay. On top of the bale of hay is SPNDNCHZ. Obvious exits are East and West. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >> Say hi to spndnchz Spndnchz smirks at you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Flirt with spndnchz Spndnchz smiles at you condescendingly. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>###### Spndnchz Such language! This is a family game! WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Ask spndnchz about leaflet “Hi, Derrico! I’m Chz. You are responsible for saving Christmas from those in Sabrespace who would ruin it. I take it you accept the challenge. At any point, you may SAVE, RESTART, RESTORE (from a save) or UNDO. Understood? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Y “Okay! Better get started, then! Here, have this.” Spndnchz has handed you MOD PRIVELEGES. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Use Mod Privleges Those aren’t for you. Ovbious exits are East and West. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Use Mod Priveleges FFS, those ARE NOT FOR YOU. Obvious exits are East and West. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>W You are in the woods. Blocking your path is an INKMAN. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Talk to inkman Inkman doesn’t want to talk with you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Hit inkman Inkman kills you with his right calf muscle, just by flexing it. Would you like to RESTORE, RESTART, or UNDO? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Undo Last action undone. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Kill inkman with poison darts You don’t have any poison darts, you dumbass. Inkman shows you a glimpse of his lower left leg, and you die of admiration. Would you like to RESTORE, RESTART, or UNDO? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Uno Parser error WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Undo Last action undone. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E Smart ###### move. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>S You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>N You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>###### it. Didn’t we already talk about your language? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>You used that word, though! Parser error. And ###### you, I’m in charge. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>tank You are inside a Glass Case of Emotion, somewhere in Pennsylvania. Before you is a man in a Jason Pominville uniform. He has a TIRE IRON and a BOTTLE OF MILK. There is an exit to the EAST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Ask man about milk “Sure kid, here, have some milk. On the house.” The man grins and brandishes his tire iron. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Ask man about tire iron “Oh, this? This, kid, is for the lizard. I’ve been waiting for him now for four years. He’ll get his...” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Back the hell away. Another smart move. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are on a road in Pennsylvania. Exits are EAST and WEST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>W You are inside a Glass Case of Emotion, somewhere in Pennsylvania. Before you is a man in a Jason Pominville uniform. He has a TIRE IRON. There is an exit to the EAST. What the hell did you expect? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are on a road in Pennsylvania. Exits are EAST and WEST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are in a junkyard in Northwestern Pennsylvania. There is a TANK here. There is a LIZARD here. Obvious exit is WEST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Examine tank. Are you kidding? The knowledge of the tank is not for you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Ask lizard about tank. The lizard flicks its tongue at you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Tell lizard about man in Jason Pominville uniform. There is a bright flash of light. *** You are in a tank. There is a PASABREFAN sitting next to you. There are no exits. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>wait “Hey kid, thanks for the warning. I’ve been staying out of Uni-Marts for years. Eating baloney sandwiches and drinking out of juice boxes, you know? Anyway, You’ve gotta get out of here. I’ve gotta go get this Battista guy.” He stops the tank, and you exit. You are on a road. Obvious exits are NORTH and SOUTH. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>S No. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Why not? Because no. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>You’re being a dick. No, you’re being a dick. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>N You are in front of the Temple of Zemgus. There are many steps. Obvious exits are SOUTH (don’t even think about it) and UP. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>u You are standing in front of a statue of a godlike warrior. In his left hand is a hockey stick. Obvious exits are DOWN to the SOUTH (do it and I’ll get inkman on you again) and DOWN to the NORTH. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Take hockey stick Taken WHAT DOST THOU DO? >> N You are on a long, desolate road. In the far distance, you see a city. There is a LIGER here. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Ride liger That’s pretty gross. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>No, I mean, ride the liger to the city. This is a 1980s game parser, and you think I can get all that? Aww, in the Christmas spirit... The liger takes you to the city. Obvious exits are NORTH and WEST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Thank liger The liger smiles at you and slinks away to Georgia. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>W You are in a small clearing. There is an ice rink here. There is a DREW STAFFORD on the ice rink. The DREW STAFFORD is wearing a helmet. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Talk to drew stafford Nothing happens. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Trade drew stafford Really, nothing happens. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>tap stafford helmet with hockey stick. Amazingly, the slight tap of a hockey stick on DREW STAFFORD’s helmet causes him to doubt himself in ways he never imagined. He has been relegated to the AHL. He disappears in a flash of light. In his place is a BANHAMMER. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>take banhammer Taken WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are south of the city. Obvious exits are NORTH and WEST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>N You are in a biology lab. There is a BIODORK here, making cookies. There is an ORB on a lab table. There is an exit NORTH. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>eat biodork’s cookie Oh, no you don’t. She likes to be romanced first. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>ask biodork about orb “It’s very pretty. You can have it if you promise to deliver a message to an angry young man who keeps changing his screen name. Will you do that?” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Y BIODORK gives you a message, an ORB and a BUTTERSCOTCH COOKIE. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>read message That’s not for you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>read it anyway. It’s really not for you. It probably says something about how, if you’ve been here for eighteen months, you’ve earned your stripes and you shouldn’t consider yourself a n00b. But it’s not for you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>N You are in the Lair of the Brooklynite. NFREEMAN is here. He looks at you suspiciously. An exit is NORTH. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to nfreeman “The key to success is personal responsibility, you know. It doesn’t matter whether you come from a wealthy family or a poor one.” He hands you a PAMPHLET from the American Enterprise Institute. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>wipe ass with pamphlet Good move. nfreeman continues: “Moreover, terrorists...” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>yawn “...why are you here, anyway?” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>tell nfreeman about leaflet “Oh! Ok, I can help you save Christmas. But you have to help me, too. I’ve been trying to catch a ghost.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>give mod privileges to nfreeman “And...” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>give banhammer to nfreeman “AWESOME! Now I can catch my ghost! Here’s a token of my appreciation.” nfreeman hands you a SCEPTER. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Rub scepter. Really? Dude, in public? WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Rub scepter. Fine. You are transported far to the northeast. You are in Sunnyvale Trailer Park, Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. JIM LAHEY and SABREFANINNS are here. JIM LAHEY is drunk. There are no obvious exits. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to jim lahey Jim Lahey mumbles incoherently, swigs out of a water bottle full of vodka, and calls you “Bobandy.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to SabresFaninNS SabresFaninNS faces east, kneels, and prays for you to discover the real meaning of Christmas. You ask him what that is, and he offers you a DONAIR. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>eat donair Everything turns black. You awaken in a white room with padded walls. D4RKSABRE is here, in a straitjacket. An exit is EAST. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E It is locked. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to d4rksabre “I can’t handle the pressure of being the Internet King,” he says, while rocking back and forth in a slow, nearly catatonic rhythm. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to d4rksabre “We need a new Internet king. A king who can help expose Terry Pegula for who he really is. Without that, there will be no Christmas.” You are skeptical. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to d4rksabre “Only with your help. Only with your help. Only with your...” He drifts off, passes out, and rolls to his left. Where his really hairy left ass cheek was, there is now a small KEY. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>take key Taken. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>open door with key If it really were that easy, don’t you think d4rk would have tried that? Oh--wait, he’s in a straitjacket--he can’t. Yep, it works. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>E You are in the center of a psychiatric hospital. DSTEBB is here. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to dstebb “I changed my name.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to tankalicious “I changed my name.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to tank “You missed one. There was another name change in there.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>grab the kid by the throat “Easy, easy!” I’m in charge of fifteen patients, here! What is it that you want, anyway?” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>tell tank about leaflet “Oh, you’re the guy saving Christmas, eh? Well, I know where you can find Santa Claus. But you have to do something for me first. I want to be the Internet King.” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>give scepter to tank Done. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>give orb to tank Done. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>give note to tank Done. “’Tis a proclamation! I am Lemmiwinks, the Internet King!” says Tank. Here, have a key to room 11! It’s just WEST of here. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>W You see three rooms, numbered 11, 6, and 7. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>put key in 11 door That’s not even a sentence, but what the hell. I’m getting tired of writing this. The door is unlocked. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>open door Opened. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>enter room 11 You see a TERRY PEGULA before you. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>talk to terry pegula “Hi, Derrico, I’ve been waiting for you. How can I help you?” WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>tell terry pegula about leaflet Before your eyes, Terry Pegula turns into Santa Claus! “You’ve gotta get me out of here, he says.” Together, you run out of room 11, down the hall, past the Internet King, and out the door! You’ve made it! You’re in downtown Buffalo, near the river. There are cranes in the sky. Santa asks you for three wishes. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>”Buy the Bills?” Done. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>Build some sort of hockey cathedral down here?” Done. WHAT DOST THOU DO? >>”Get us a Stanley Cup?” ==TO BE CONTINUED== Edited December 19, 2014 by Santa Claus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doohickie Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 You do an annual? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biodork Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Lol the bit with Chz reminds me of the old Leisure Suit Larry games. :clapping: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted December 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 (edited) You do an annual? Every year (I suppose that's what that means). I'm famous. Kids sing songs about me. NORAD tracks my flight across the sky. Edited December 19, 2014 by Santa Claus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny DangerFace Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Hehe this is so great! Well done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyldnwoody44 Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 That was time consuming I bet :) ..... Where is the doctor performing surgery on Myers aorta???? Blasphemy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qwksndmonster Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 :worthy: :lol: There can be only one internet king. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wjag Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 That was pretty impressive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derrico Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Oh my god I can't wait to read this!! Years of waiting for my name to be included in your Christmas poem! Years!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derrico Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Hahahahha you've outdone yourself this year 11! Well done good sir. That bit about meeting ns in sunnyvale trailer park is gold. Have a merry Christmas man. I won't bug you every year to put me in your annual poem now haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude_Verret Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Nice. A big blast from the past. Now who here actually remembers playing these type games on a Texas instruments TI-?? computer? You youngins with your fancy PlayStations and xbox's. Bah humbug! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrader Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Every year (I suppose that's what that means). I'm famous. Kids sing songs about me. NORAD tracks my flight across the sky. Yet you have a startling resemblance to Gilbert Perreault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LastPommerFan Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 :clapping: In a remarkable bout of exceptionally great timing, I watched the Lego Movie last night for the first time, so I was in a super-retro-80s mood already. Merry Christmas Santa Claus! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabres Fan in NS Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Dear Santa, This is your finest work. Always a highlight of the season. ----- I wish everyone a blessed Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dudacek Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 :clapping: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dEnnis the Menace Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Well done sir! I'm still laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samson's Flow Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Nice. A big blast from the past. Now who here actually remembers playing these type games on a Texas instruments TI-?? computer? You youngins with your fancy PlayStations and xbox's. Bah humbug! I played a game with commands like this on my original PC. It was the most frustrating thing ever because half the things you wanted to do would be rejected due to bad command structure. Took ages to figure out how to leave the first area. Entertaining read nonetheless. Happy Holidays! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrader Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 When I first started reading I was picturing one of those choose your own adventure books and thinking "how the hell is he going to do that in a post". If someone actually had the time to pull that off it would be beyond impressive... "if you want to #### spndchz, jump to post #54" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darksabre Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Can the Temple of Zemgus be a real thing? Can we build that with county funds? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samson's Flow Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 When I first started reading I was picturing one of those choose your own adventure books and thinking "how the hell is he going to do that in a post". If someone actually had the time to pull that off it would be beyond impressive... "if you want to #### spndchz, jump to post #54" It's a miracle any of our lady posters stick around here... Every female encountered in the story was either verbally or physically hit on or propositioned. You need some thick skin to wander the internets... Can the Temple of Zemgus be a real thing? Can we build that with county funds? There's still like $300 Mil left in the Buffalo Billion. Surely this project would take priority? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrader Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 It's a miracle any of our lady posters stick around here... Every female encountered in the story was either verbally or physically hit on or propositioned. You need some thick skin to wander the internets... Come on now, it's a well known fact that derrico loves cookies. It's not his fault that the computer has a dirty mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spndnchz Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 Lindy is working on the music to go with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derrico Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 That's right Shrader. For the record bio, I was not trying to make a pass at you, I just heard that your butterscotch cookies are the best around these parts :flirt: Wait, am I now making this worse :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted December 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 It's a miracle any of our lady posters stick around here... Every female encountered in the story was either verbally or physically hit on or propositioned. You need some thick skin to wander the internets... I think I was pretty equal opportunity with this stuff--check out Liger and INky for examples. If I offended anyone, I regret it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrader Posted December 19, 2014 Report Share Posted December 19, 2014 I think I was pretty equal opportunity with this stuff--check out Liger and INky for examples. If I offended anyone, I regret it! The inky section was 100% factual. The great board crash of 2006 (?) was a result of a calf cramp and it completely wiped toddkazz out of existence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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