[OT] Divorce....

[chileanseabass]

I know I've seen this topic brought up a few times on here, and was just looking for some advice from any fellow SabreSpacers who had to go through this. My wife and I have discussed splitting up for the better part of 8 months now, but finally decided last week that things wouldn't get better and that we're just not what the other needs as a spouse. It's a mutual decision with no hatred, we're friends, and we both want what's best for our 2.5 year old son, which includes spending as much time with the other parent as possible. Per North Carolina law, we need to be separated for one year before the divorce can be finalized, but to ease into the transition with my son, I've moved into the guest bedroom, and we'll be having separate bedrooms until the fall, when she will move out. We own a small house, but she doesn't want to deal with the upkeep, so I'm more than happy to keep it. She has already found a very nice townhouse for rent that will be available in October that fits her budget, is only 5 minutes from my house, 5 minutes from daycare, and 5 minutes from her school (she's a teacher). We've agreed on join custody (both legal and physical), and we'll both have him the same amount of days (Me- Sun, Mon, Fri, every other Sat; Her- Tue, Wed, Thurs, every other Sat). She of course has anadvantage as a teacher since she gets out of work at 3:00 every day and can pick him up from day care on my days, plus she has all the breaks from schools and summer which I don't have. In all, I'm happy with this arrangement. Wish I wasn't getting divorced at all, but it is what it is.

 

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to get this off my chest and see if anyone out there who has had a similar situation can offer any adivce. At this stage of the game I'm trying to get as much advice as possible.

[wonderbread]

I know I've seen this topic brought up a few times on here, and was just looking for some advice from any fellow SabreSpacers who had to go through this. My wife and I have discussed splitting up for the better part of 8 months now, but finally decided last week that things wouldn't get better and that we're just not what the other needs as a spouse. It's a mutual decision with no hatred, we're friends, and we both want what's best for our 2.5 year old son, which includes spending as much time with the other parent as possible. Per North Carolina law, we need to be separated for one year before the divorce can be finalized, but to ease into the transition with my son, I've moved into the guest bedroom, and we'll be having separate bedrooms until the fall, when she will move out. We own a small house, but she doesn't want to deal with the upkeep, so I'm more than happy to keep it. She has already found a very nice townhouse for rent that will be available in October that fits her budget, is only 5 minutes from my house, 5 minutes from daycare, and 5 minutes from her school (she's a teacher). We've agreed on join custody (both legal and physical), and we'll both have him the same amount of days (Me- Sun, Mon, Fri, every other Sat; Her- Tue, Wed, Thurs, every other Sat). She of course has anadvantage as a teacher since she gets out of work at 3:00 every day and can pick him up from day care on my days, plus she has all the breaks from schools and summer which I don't have. In all, I'm happy with this arrangement. Wish I wasn't getting divorced at all, but it is what it is.

 

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to get this off my chest and see if anyone out there who has had a similar situation can offer any adivce. At this stage of the game I'm trying to get as much advice as possible.

 

 

Get ready as from what I have learned it's usually nicey-nicey before it gets ugly. Just have your ducks in a row in the event that things really go south.

[Bullwinkle]

This is somewhat related and directed at you young guys. I was a bachelor for 49 years - 49 very happy years - before getting married. I'm not sorry I did it as I do have a great relationship with my wife (16 yrs younger than me) and my 14 yr old son.

 

Moral: WAIT until you're ready for marriage. Your best days are spent in your youth as a single, free guy. Don't even think about it until you're in your late 20's. Without mutual maturity, you will be doomed to nothing but heartache, failure, and a financial mess.

[Weave]

Moral: WAIT until you're ready for marriage.

 

I agree 100% with this comment.

 

Don't even think about it until you're in your late 20's.

 

And I disagree with this one. But I don't want to hijack the thread so I'll leave it at that.

 

 

 

 

Chilean, Each divorce is different and offer their own challenges. The only advice I'll offer is to never speak badly about your ex in front of the kids. You ex is still their mom and even if you find her in the wrong, don't speak badly of her. The kids need to respect and honor her for who she is. THe kids will adjust and react better to the situation if they don't have to hear two divorced parents speaking badly about each other. I'm glad your divorce is starting freindly, it means there is a better chance of the kids not being exposed to the extra stresses of parents behaving badly.

[korab rules]

Start hiding money now.

 

Many divorces start friendly. They all end in fights over money.

[MattPie]

Start hiding money now.

 

Many divorces start friendly. They all end in fights over money.

 

I know of a few that have gone completely amicably, but that's probably a safe bet. :)

[notwoz]

 

I agree 100% with this comment.

 

 

 

And I disagree with this one. But I don't want to hijack the thread so I'll leave it at that.

 

 

 

 

Chilean, Each divorce is different and offer their own challenges. The only advice I'll offer is to never speak badly about your ex in front of the kids. You ex is still their mom and even if you find her in the wrong, don't speak badly of her. The kids need to respect and honor her for who she is. THe kids will adjust and react better to the situation if they don't have to hear two divorced parents speaking badly about each other. I'm glad your divorce is starting freindly, it means there is a better chance of the kids not being exposed to the extra stresses of parents behaving badly.

 

 

This is excellent advice. From personal experience, I know that the kids will eventually be able to make up their own minds about the qualities of their parents, but trying to influence their decisions by trying to poison their minds mostly likely backfire.

 

Another piece of advice, again from personal experience: no matter how amicable things seem at the time, hire a good lawyer ( a REAL GOOD lawyer). Because when all is said and done, you will have to live with your decisions, and some of those decisions can end up being very (and needlessly costly). And living on Rice-A-Roni and boxed mac and cheese and hoping you can pay this month's heating bill gets real old after a while.

 

I'm not saying you need to stick it to your wife, but you need to make sure you don't get screwed either.

[samothyev]

I have been down this road. The one thing I can suggest is that when you do meet someone else(cuz it will happen) be careful introducing you children to them. I just broke up a 6 yr relationship over what I just said. My kids weren't accepted so I had to go...

[Ohiofan]

Good luck with this Chilli, I'm sure it is not a pleasant experience, and a sad one.

 

I would like to second Weave's advice to not speak ill of the ex in front of the child. When I met my husband, he and his ex, who were never married, had a 3 year old son. My husband and his ex got along pretty well, and I actually liked her. She and I had several good years, I did my best to take care of her son when he was with me, I love him. My husband and I started having kids about the same time his ex got married. It seemed to all go south from there. We no longer agreed on parenting issues, she seemed angry that we had children and that her son had a new role in our house: no longer an only child, a big brother. She started telling this lovely happy boy that his dad no longer loved him the most, and that I was the wicked stepmom who only loved her children. It got ugly, and she began withholding visitation. We did our best to keep the lines of communication open with him, but we saw very little of him for a couple of teenage years. He loves his mother very much, and did not want to go against her. It was easier for him to just do what she wanted. He eventually came back to us, when he realized that we really did love him. He is a grown man now, with a family of his own, and things are very good with him once again. I can see the scars, though. He loves his mother, but there is resentment there, too.

 

In short, there will be step-parent issues in your future. That is a whole new ballgame. Keep on the good path, don't speak ill of the ex, or the step dad in front of the child. Keep the lines of communication open. I hope it's easier for you than it was for us. Dads do not have a lot of rights, court or no court, mom always has the final say. It's hard, you have to make sure you stay involved with his school, meet his teachers, etc. Make sure they have your phone number. Mom will get involved with her new life and build a new family and forget you. My husband was passive, and it cost him a few years with his son. Don't let this happen with you.

[SouthernSabre]

Sorry to hear about it man. You sound a lot like myself and I live in South Carolina. Just put your child's needs before everything else and you will find that the both of you can come to terms on just about anything. After we seperated, our children were the priority and its amazing how things work out when you think of them first. We are divorced now, still friends, its been about 5 years and evrything seems to be going smooth.

Good luck with you.

Jamie

[inkman]

Chilean, having just removed every trace of my ex in my life, not to mention freshly engaged to my new love, all I can say is enjoy your life. I spent my entire marriage an then some trying to appease the unappeasable. Nothing I would do made her happy. After separating, I realized I needed to take care of me. I completely neglected myself thinking that part of being a husband was self-sacrifice. What I didn realize was that I was never happy. Having a kid involved definitely complicates things but don't lose focus of the fact you need to be happy.

[DR HOLLIDAY]

Start hiding money now.

 

Many divorces start friendly. They all end in fights over money.

 

Very important!!!!!

[Neo]

If you want to do what's 'best' for your son, work on your marriage. I'm not moralizing. I'm no holier than anyone else. You don't hate. You're friends. That's more than many marriages have. I am prepared for the "kids can be ok" responses. I know that. I'm one of those kids. But "best"? Make it work. It's hard, but it's what you signed up for.

 

Best wishes ... most sincerely.

[SDS]

If you want to do what's 'best' for your son, work on your marriage. I'm not moralizing. I'm no holier than anyone else. You don't hate. You're friends. That's more than many marriages have. I am prepared for the "kids can be ok" responses. I know that. I'm one of those kids. But "best"? Make it work. It's hard, but it's what you signed up for.

 

Best wishes ... most sincerely.

 

This would be my sentiment as well... and I was one of those kids too.

 

All the best...

[chileanseabass]

If you want to do what's 'best' for your son, work on your marriage. I'm not moralizing. I'm no holier than anyone else. You don't hate. You're friends. That's more than many marriages have. I am prepared for the "kids can be ok" responses. I know that. I'm one of those kids. But "best"? Make it work. It's hard, but it's what you signed up for.

 

Best wishes ... most sincerely.

 

 

I wish "working on it" was an option. We first spoke about our mutual unhappiness last October. She has always refused any kind of counseling. I still have feelings for her and would like to try counseling to see if things will work out, but she has closed the door to anything other than divorce. There's no nastiness to it, we've just become very different people, she doesn't want to be committed to me, and she wants her "freedom." I can't help it if she'd rather go to a bar with her friends on a Saturday night than hang out with me. I've always stayed home with our son, and let her go have her "fun," but she's sick of feeling like she needs permission to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to. There's not much I can do about the situation, but go along with it and do what's best for my son. My wife has some serious demons from her past (Daddy abandonment, verbal abuse from her mom, etc) but she refuses to get help. She tried for 3.5 years to be a "good wife," and was miserable doing so. She told me I'm the best husband ever, all of her friends say they wish they could find a devoted husband and father like me, but for my wife, that wasn't good enough and obviously isn't what she wants in life.

 

 

To respond to another poster, given everything she's done to me, I can't speak bad of her to my son. She's a lousy wife, but a good mom, who loves and cares for him very very much.

 

My son is everything to me, and I will never miss a parent/teacher meeting, athletic practice or dance recital (his mom's a dance teacher, so it's a given). That's why I'm so concerned that even though things are moving smoothly now, if she wakes up one day and wants something completely different, I could get screwed and lose time with my son.

[Calvin]

Dude.. really sorry to hear about that. I'm going through what you are beginning now as well, in fact the divorce hearing is this week to finalize it.

 

The only advice I can give you is make sure you get everything pertaining to the divorce in writing. Ours was a six month process, and for five months everything was going swimmingly, mutual no-consent divorce and all that.. and then bang, a couple of weeks ago suddenly she got all vindictive and nasty.. luckily I had my bases covered and I should be all set for the hearing.

 

Feel free to PM if you want to talk or anything.. good luck bro.

[neverenough]

I can't help it if she'd rather go to a bar with her friends on a Saturday night than hang out with me. I've always stayed home with our son, and let her go have her "fun," but she's sick of feeling like she needs permission to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to

 

 

 

Sorry but when you said this i knew it was done.Good luck with everything...

[bunomatic]

If she retains a female divorce lawyer look out. You might as well move into that tin lean-to out in the back alley because thats all you'll be able to afford once they get finished with your paycheck. Just kidding. But seriously. If you guys can stay friends through a divorce I commend you both. It takes special people who must have had a special friendship before the marriage to keep it civil. They don't call it the war of the roses for nothing.

[chileanseabass]

If she retains a female divorce lawyer look out. You might as well move into that tin lean-to out in the back alley because thats all you'll be able to afford once they get finished with your paycheck. Just kidding. But seriously. If you guys can stay friends through a divorce I commend you both. It takes special people who must have had a special friendship before the marriage to keep it civil. They don't call it the war of the roses for nothing.

 

 

It's funny you mention the female divorce lawyer. I have an appointment with one on Friday, and I thought she was going to rip my balls off just scheduling a consultation with her.

[Campy]

Start hiding money now.

 

Many divorces start friendly. They all end in fights over money.

 

No, they all don't. A lot of it depends upon the maturity of the parties involved.

[Rico7]

Having been through a separation and eventually a divorce, the biggest piece of advice I ca n give you is do not say anything you will regret. As mad or hurt as you might be, maybe not now, but maybe at some point, restraint is a huge key. It sucks, I know, but a lot of people have been through it, and you will be OK.

 

I will tell you that "I can't help it if she'd rather go to a bar with her friends on a Saturday night than hang out with me. I've always stayed home with our son, and let her go have her "fun," but she's sick of feeling like she needs permission to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to" sounds more then a litlle suspicious, and sounds like she has some growing up to do.

 

Best of luck Chili.

[chileanseabass]

I will tell you that "I can't help it if she'd rather go to a bar with her friends on a Saturday night than hang out with me. I've always stayed home with our son, and let her go have her "fun," but she's sick of feeling like she needs permission to do whatever she wants whenever she wants to" sounds more then a litlle suspicious, and sounds like she has some growing up to do.

 

 

 

She definitely has some growing up to do. My Mother-in-law is just disgusted by what's going on and how she's been acting over the past 6 months or so. Now that we've decided on what we want to do, she's like a kid off to college for the first time, away from her parents reach. Last night she went to Wal-Mart, and when she came home he said she bought some cigarettes, because she wanted to test her freedom. This is coming from someone who wasn't sure she wanted my sister to watch our son because she smokes occasionally, and will yell at people who smoke anywhere near her. She had one cigarette, it wasn't what she remembered (she smoked and quit long before we met), and said she felt stupid for buying them. Nothing against folks on here who smoke, this is just a complete 180 from how she's acted for the past 3.5 years.

[dEnnis the Menace]

No, they all don't. A lot of it depends upon the maturity of the parties involved.

 

Very true. When my parents split and what not ( I was 8, my sister 3 at the time), my mom didn't even ask my dad for constant child support. It really does depend on the maturity level. My dad ended up moving back to Buffalo (we lived in Albany at the time bc my mom was getting her PhD), and the travel was difficult, but my parents never spoke ill of the other (although my dad did speak ill of my moms new boyfriend when she started dating...but then again, I still speak ill of him...whole 'nother story).

 

Best of luck to you man.

[korab rules]

She definitely has some growing up to do. My Mother-in-law is just disgusted by what's going on and how she's been acting over the past 6 months or so. Now that we've decided on what we want to do, she's like a kid off to college for the first time, away from her parents reach. Last night she went to Wal-Mart, and when she came home he said she bought some cigarettes, because she wanted to test her freedom. This is coming from someone who wasn't sure she wanted my sister to watch our son because she smokes occasionally, and will yell at people who smoke anywhere near her. She had one cigarette, it wasn't what she remembered (she smoked and quit long before we met), and said she felt stupid for buying them. Nothing against folks on here who smoke, this is just a complete 180 from how she's acted for the past 3.5 years.

 

Any signs of bipolar disorder? It can come on suddenly in adulthood, and results in strange, out of character behavior. People who suffer from it often self medicate with alcohol.

[X. Benedict]

Any signs of bipolar disorder? It can come on suddenly in adulthood, and results in strange, out of character behavior. People who suffer from it often self medicate with alcohol.

 

That's what I thought. Sounds like manic episodes.