[OT] Divorce....

[chileanseabass]

Any signs of bipolar disorder? It can come on suddenly in adulthood, and results in strange, out of character behavior. People who suffer from it often self medicate with alcohol.

 

 

Yes, I think she does suffer from a form of bi-polar. My mom does and I am well versed with it. My wife's dad has had huge problems with both mental illness and alcoholism his whole life. Her mom left him when my wife was two (previously mentioned Daddy issues), and really has had no contact with him since. And she hasn't wanted to either, since he never showed an interest in her. I spent a lot of time chatting with my mother-in-law last weekend while we were in Florida (my wife was out with friends at bars starting at 7 pm and returning home by 7 am from Wed-Sat), and she is really worried because she's exhibiting many of the same behaviors her dad did. My wife's biggest fear is that I'll try to challenge for custody, but I told her I'd only do that if she kept exhibiting this late-night party behavior. I understand some people want to go out once or twice a month with their friends, have a few drinks, and blow off steam. But 4 out of the past 6 nights, when you're the mother of a 2.5 year old, in my opinion, is not ok.

[biodork]

That's a good point about possible bipolar disorder... my brother has it and I'm pretty sure my mom does, too, although undiagnosed for her. Your situation sounds similar to my parents, except that I was fortunate in that they decided to split when I was 24, so I never had to deal with the dual household / shared visitation thing. My dad wanted to work things out, but my mom got married way too young (18) and had two kids by the age of 20 so she never really "grew up" and decided at 43 that she wanted to be free and single again. I didn't understand it at the time, but I don't resent her for it because honestly, looking back, I don't think my parents ever should have married in the first place... they are just really different people, and she was too young to know who she was at that point. The advice from others to not speak ill of your ex around the kids is excellent, too... my parents started out with the intent of parting amicably and remaining friends, but because of other circumstances that came out during the divorce that didn't happen, and I unwillingly ended up in the middle of a lot of it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[korab rules]

Yes, I think she does suffer from a form of bi-polar. My mom does and I am well versed with it. My wife's dad has had huge problems with both mental illness and alcoholism his whole life. Her mom left him when my wife was two (previously mentioned Daddy issues), and really has had no contact with him since. And she hasn't wanted to either, since he never showed an interest in her. I spent a lot of time chatting with my mother-in-law last weekend while we were in Florida (my wife was out with friends at bars starting at 7 pm and returning home by 7 am from Wed-Sat), and she is really worried because she's exhibiting many of the same behaviors her dad did. My wife's biggest fear is that I'll try to challenge for custody, but I told her I'd only do that if she kept exhibiting this late-night party behavior. I understand some people want to go out once or twice a month with their friends, have a few drinks, and blow off steam. But 4 out of the past 6 nights, when you're the mother of a 2.5 year old, in my opinion, is not ok.

Yup. That's what you are dealing with. Alcohol issues aren't genetic, but they sure run in families. I believe it is pretty well accepted now that there is some genetic basis for bipolar disorder. You are making the right choice. She will continue to get worse with time. Your job is to protect your child at any cost. Very mild cases can be controlled with medication, but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Buckle in and expect the worst.

[chileanseabass]

That's a good point about possible bipolar disorder... my brother has it and I'm pretty sure my mom does, too, although undiagnosed for her. Your situation sounds similar to my parents, except that I was fortunate in that they decided to split when I was 24, so I never had to deal with the dual household / shared visitation thing. My dad wanted to work things out, but my mom got married way too young (18) and had two kids by the age of 20 so she never really "grew up" and decided at 43 that she wanted to be free and single again. I didn't understand it at the time, but I don't resent her for it because honestly, looking back, I don't think my parents ever should have married in the first place... they are just really different people, and she was too young to know who she was at that point. The advice from others to not speak ill of your ex around the kids is excellent, too... my parents started out with the intent of parting amicably and remaining friends, but because of other circumstances that came out during the divorce that didn't happen, and I unwillingly ended up in the middle of a lot of it.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

My parents were in a similar situation as well... married youn for the wrong reason, considered a divorce after the first year of marriage, but stuck it out, and had me after being married for 7 years. When I was 6 they decided they wanted a divorce, but would wait until I was 18 and out of the house to do it. I only have one memory of my parents kissing or showing each other any kind of affection, and that was when I was 5. That's eff'd up. That's the path my marriage would be going down, and while my parents stuck it out for me (which was nice), they were both miserable. They were always friendly and what not, but always had separate bedrooms, etc. They've both advised me not to make the same mistake they did by staying together for the kid.

[biodork]

Yup. That's what you are dealing with. Alcohol issues aren't genetic, but they sure run in families. I believe it is pretty well accepted now that there is some genetic basis for bipolar disorder. You are making the right choice. She will continue to get worse with time. Your job is to protect your child at any cost. Very mild cases can be controlled with medication, but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Buckle in and expect the worst.

 

Alcohol and disrupted sleep schedules both tend to exacerabate bipolar mood swings, often triggering episodes of mania or depression. This doesn't bode well for your wife, given her current habits. The big problem with meds is that 1) no one knows how they work, like lithium, and 2) getting the person to admit they have a problem and actually take the meds! My brother was up and down for years, but he seems to have really improved the last year or so when his personal life became more stable. So it's not all doom and gloom from here on out, but korab is right -- be prepared in case it goes downhill in the near future. It's good that you have her mother on your side and involved in the situation.

[chileanseabass]

Yup. That's what you are dealing with. Alcohol issues aren't genetic, but they sure run in families. I believe it is pretty well accepted now that there is some genetic basis for bipolar disorder. You are making the right choice. She will continue to get worse with time. Your job is to protect your child at any cost. Very mild cases can be controlled with medication, but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Buckle in and expect the worst.

 

 

That's where things get tricky. Both my MIL and I know that my wife loves our son more than anything, and we're scared of what she'd do if she lost joint custody. She's a good mom, when she's being a mom, and my son deserves and needs to be with her just as much as me. What I don't like is how she acts when she takes off her "mommy hat" and leaves him and the responsibility of parenthood with me so she can do whatever makes her feel good. She's very self centered and I don't think she could handle full custody, because she wouldn't get to do what she wants when she wants to.

 

I know a lot of how she's acting now (excessive partying in FL), is her way of dealing with the reality and stress of what is going on, but as long as we're separated but living in the same house (probably until October or so), I will document when she goes out and what she does to the best of my ability in case I ever need to prove anything in court.

[LastPommerFan]

She definitely has some growing up to do. My Mother-in-law is just disgusted by what's going on and how she's been acting over the past 6 months or so. Now that we've decided on what we want to do, she's like a kid off to college for the first time, away from her parents reach. Last night she went to Wal-Mart, and when she came home he said she bought some cigarettes, because she wanted to test her freedom. This is coming from someone who wasn't sure she wanted my sister to watch our son because she smokes occasionally, and will yell at people who smoke anywhere near her. She had one cigarette, it wasn't what she remembered (she smoked and quit long before we met), and said she felt stupid for buying them. Nothing against folks on here who smoke, this is just a complete 180 from how she's acted for the past 3.5 years.

 

This is a definate sign of:

 

Any signs of bipolar disorder? It can come on suddenly in adulthood, and results in strange, out of character behavior. People who suffer from it often self medicate with alcohol.

 

 

That's what I thought. Sounds like manic episodes.

 

But it could also just be "run-of-the-mill" depression. Based on your son's age and it showing up last year, it could also be postpartum related. And being out is her escape (some people disconnect from existing relationships, she seems to exhibit this symptom as well). This condition will not get better, it won't even stay at this level. It will get worse, and it will have significant negative effects on your relationship, and likely your relationship with your son. See below:

 

 

Yes, I think she does suffer from a form of bi-polar. My mom does and I am well versed with it. My wife's dad has had huge problems with both mental illness and alcoholism his whole life. Her mom left him when my wife was two (previously mentioned Daddy issues), and really has had no contact with him since. And she hasn't wanted to either, since he never showed an interest in her. I spent a lot of time chatting with my mother-in-law last weekend while we were in Florida (my wife was out with friends at bars starting at 7 pm and returning home by 7 am from Wed-Sat), and she is really worried because she's exhibiting many of the same behaviors her dad did. My wife's biggest fear is that I'll try to challenge for custody, but I told her I'd only do that if she kept exhibiting this late-night party behavior. I understand some people want to go out once or twice a month with their friends, have a few drinks, and blow off steam. But 4 out of the past 6 nights, when you're the mother of a 2.5 year old, in my opinion, is not ok.

 

Florida: Does your wife have connections in Florida? Florida's reciprocity with family law is absolutely terrible. My Wife's father moved there when she was 14 simply to get out of child support. It was a slam dunk as that state does not typically recognize rulings from family courts in other states. This is a massive risk for you as far as time with your son. Bring it up with your lawyer.

[biodork]

My parents were in a similar situation as well... married youn for the wrong reason, considered a divorce after the first year of marriage, but stuck it out, and had me after being married for 7 years. When I was 6 they decided they wanted a divorce, but would wait until I was 18 and out of the house to do it. I only have one memory of my parents kissing or showing each other any kind of affection, and that was when I was 5. That's eff'd up. That's the path my marriage would be going down, and while my parents stuck it out for me (which was nice), they were both miserable. They were always friendly and what not, but always had separate bedrooms, etc. They've both advised me not to make the same mistake they did by staying together for the kid.

 

That's almost exactly it -- I think my parents talked about splitting up when I was 5 or 6, but decided to stick it out for the sake of my brother and I. More friends than romantic partners, and not even great friends as it turned out. The selfish part of me is glad they didn't split when I was a kid, but realistically I feel guilty that they stayed together and were both unhappy for 25 years. They are definitely better people apart than they were together.

[chileanseabass]

Alcohol and disrupted sleep schedules both tend to exacerabate bipolar mood swings, often triggering episodes of mania or depression. This doesn't bode well for your wife, given her current habits. The big problem with meds is that 1) no one knows how they work, like lithium, and 2) getting the person to admit they have a problem and actually take the meds! My brother was up and down for years, but he seems to have really improved the last year or so when his personal life became more stable. So it's not all doom and gloom from here on out, but korab is right -- be prepared in case it goes downhill in the near future. It's good that you have her mother on your side and involved in the situation.

 

 

My wife and MIL are like oil and water. MIL is wife's biggest critic, and wife has alledged verbal and physical abuse for years. I don't know who to believe on their past history, but my MIL said if I wanted to challenge for custody she wouldn't be upset at all, just as long as I would let her see him (she lives in FL), which of course I would. My wife was diagnosed in college with some bipolar tendencies and depression, and tried a few different medications, but didn't like the results. It mellowed out her behavior and she didn't feel "creative" anymore. So obviously something is awry. When I suggested to her recently that she seek counseling to address her past issues, she said she wouldn't because she didn't want anything on her record that would make any medical/mental judgements against her.

[chileanseabass]

Florida: Does your wife have connections in Florida? Florida's reciprocity with family law is absolutely terrible. My Wife's father moved there when she was 14 simply to get out of child support. It was a slam dunk as that state does not typically recognize rulings from family courts in other states. This is a massive risk for you as far as time with your son. Bring it up with your lawyer.

 

 

She grew up in central FL, and her mother still lives there. I don't think she'd ever consider going back, as my MIL told her she can't come home, and she has no other family in the state except for her snowbird grandparents who are in Michigan half the year, but they live 3 blocks from my MIL, so it wouldn't fly. Once they all know what's going on, she will receive little to no support from her family through all of this.

[chileanseabass]

That's almost exactly it -- I think my parents talked about splitting up when I was 5 or 6, but decided to stick it out for the sake of my brother and I. More friends than romantic partners, and not even great friends as it turned out. The selfish part of me is glad they didn't split when I was a kid, but realistically I feel guilty that they stayed together and were both unhappy for 25 years. They are definitely better people apart than they were together.

 

 

Carbon copy of my life!

[LastPommerFan]

She grew up in central FL, and her mother still lives there. I don't think she'd ever consider going back, as my MIL told her she can't come home, and she has no other family in the state except for her snowbird grandparents who are in Michigan half the year, but they live 3 blocks from my MIL, so it wouldn't fly. Once they all know what's going on, she will receive little to no support from her family through all of this.

 

This is good, but you know you can't count on it when it comes to the wellbeing of your son. Make sure to bring it up with your Lawyer.

[chileanseabass]

Make sure to bring it up with your Lawyer.

 

 

I definitely will. This morning I created an spreadsheet documenting her behavior over the past week. I don't know if I'd ever need soemthing like that, but it's good to have it I guess.

[Iron Crotch]

I definitely will. This morning I created an spreadsheet documenting her behavior over the past week. I don't know if I'd ever need soemthing like that, but it's good to have it I guess.

 

 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through Chilean. My sister is a divorce lawyer (in Rochester) and my advice would be to consult with your lawyer about what sort of evidence is admissible in court (i.e. the spreadsheet might not do much good). Good that you have an appointment with one on Friday.

 

As others have pointed out, you can't change anyone, you can't force anyone into therapy,... you can only walk the righteous path yourself and know that your own actions are honorable (i.e. don't speak bad about your ex- to you child). Hang in there!

[Rip Titwide]

Carbon copy of my life!

Ditto that for me.

For what its worth...

My parents finally divorced when I was 22. Again, nice for me on paper, but even at at 5 yrs old, I knew the differences of a devoted stay at home mother and a fun, boozing, philandering father. While they now will amicably come together for meals when I'm in town, I still wear the scars of my own decisions that were undoubtedly influenced by fear of perpetuating the problems. The moral: kids catch on quicker than one can ever comprehend and every step you guys take is a footprint for them to follow.

As for advice, as a previous poster said "it depends on the maturity of the parties involved" You may be on the nice now, but maturity seems way one sided here and once she gains that freedom, it becomes all about what's good for her. Mark my words.

[R_Dudley]

Wow some flashbacks caused by and good advice found in these posts.

My own story also is separated and divorced with a daughter who was 2 yrs old at the time. To recap the best advise given here;

 

-Make sure you get a good lawyer. A good female lawyer if she would take your case would actually be the best.

 

-With the background you painted on her you absolutely cannot expect this to remain amicable. Plan for the absolute worse and hope for the best. Cosabre's advice on checking what evidence is permissable in court is excellant. Take the high road like many say on supporting each other's parenthood but still plan for the worse.

 

-Sounds like you still love your wife but remember the your childs protection should be the most important thing here and with some of the destructive behaviors you outlined I am really curious if you will honestly be able to trust her when she is with your son. The factor that will most likely change the whole dynamic for both of you will be when either has that next partner(boy friend/girl friend) that now becomes part of your dynamic.

 

Last somethings I did not see mentioned but personally struggled with when the times got difficult and strained in divorce and life thereafter.

 

-Stay the loving parent and resist the temptation to be a friend or overcompensate for times missed, too many gifts, or trying to manufacture fun w/something planned for every custody weekend.

 

-Also be careful with allowing your wife to take advantage of your committment to your son with her new found freedom by dumping the son on you on your off weekend. I know the temptation will be take all teh extra time and rationalize he is better off with you then some unknown but you will not always be able to cover for your wifes mistakes or decisions anymore and the sooner he see's that reality himself sooner he will start making his own value judgements.

 

-Do not forget to take the times you get to rebuild a life for yourself as well. Your son will be better for it.

 

Good luck and God bless.

[inkman]

No, they all don't. A lot of it depends upon the amount of money involved.

Fixed.

[Marvelo]

If she retains a female divorce lawyer look out. You might as well move into that tin lean-to out in the back alley because thats all you'll be able to afford once they get finished with your paycheck. Just kidding. But seriously. If you guys can stay friends through a divorce I commend you both. It takes special people who must have had a special friendship before the marriage to keep it civil. They don't call it the war of the roses for nothing.

 

Never mind the carnivorous female divorce lawyers, it's the Judges who are the trump card (for women). They're all pro-women, pro-mothers. There are father's rights organizations but society has bent way in favor of women. Men don't end up with squat. One of my best friends just went through hell, almost committed suicide. 2.5 years isn't that long ago, you were really close then apparently to have a child. There might be a terrible circumstance I don't know about, but I wonder how things went so wrong in such a short time. Wish you luck: could you re-capture that feeling you had 2.5 years ago?

[chileanseabass]

Never mind the carnivorous female divorce lawyers, it's the Judges who are the trump card (for women). They're all pro-women, pro-mothers. There are father's rights organizations but society has bent way in favor of women. Men don't end up with squat. One of my best friends just went through hell, almost committed suicide. 2.5 years isn't that long ago, you were really close then apparently to have a child. There might be a terrible circumstance I don't know about, but I wonder how things went so wrong in such a short time. Wish you luck: could you re-capture that feeling you had 2.5 years ago?

 

 

I could, no doubt. It's her that is adamant about moving on and doesn't want to be married. I've proposed marriage counseling numerous times, but she's never taken me up on the offer. She says she married me for the wrong reasons, tried to be a "good wife," and realized that she just isn't cut out to be a wife.

[SDS]

I could, no doubt. It's her that is adamant about moving on and doesn't want to be married. I've proposed marriage counseling numerous times, but she's never taken me up on the offer. She says she married me for the wrong reasons, tried to be a "good wife," and realized that she just isn't cut out to be a wife.

 

Did you drive her to the "other team"? ;)

[chileanseabass]

Did you drive her to the "other team"? ;)

 

 

Had to laugh at that. She has a myriad of past issues, some that directly involve intimacy. Explaining to one of my close frinds, she said "well, maybe she's a lesbian?" At this stage who knows. With how she's been acting recently I have no idea who she is anymore.

[korab rules]

Promiscuity is another frequent symptom of bipolar disorder, often occurring hand in hand with alcohol abuse.

[chileanseabass]

Well, now we have a whole new ballgame.... came home from work today and hopped on facebook, found she never logged out, and right in front of me is a chat conversation with a friend of hers, telling the friend of her new "long distance relationship" with a guy she reconnected with at her high school reunion. After I saw that I (naturally) did a little digging, and she's planning to fly back to FL to meet him where he's getting a hotel room for the two of them over the last weekend in August. Found a few more message streams talking about her "new storybook romance" and about how she'd like to move back to FL to be closer to him, but she knows I'd never let her. We aren't even legally separated yet, and we're still living together. I copied everything i could and sent them to my work email. I'm meeting with one lawyer tomorrow afternoon and another on Friday. I really don't care if she found someone, but it's just all the lies and schemes to make our divorce so smooth, while she's out setting up her new relationship. This also explains a lot about her late nights last week in her hometown, where this guy also lives. I wanted to keep it clean and civil, but now I don't think I can. She can have whatever she wants. I want my kid and my house.

[Rico4Hall12]

Well, now we have a whole new ballgame.... came home from work today and hopped on facebook, found she never logged out, and right in front of me is a chat conversation with a friend of hers, telling the friend of her new "long distance relationship" with a guy she reconnected with at her high school reunion. After I saw that I (naturally) did a little digging, and she's planning to fly back to FL to meet him where he's getting a hotel room for the two of them over the last weekend in August. Found a few more message streams talking about her "new storybook romance" and about how she'd like to move back to FL to be closer to him, but she knows I'd never let her. We aren't even legally separated yet, and we're still living together. I copied everything i could and sent them to my work email. I'm meeting with one lawyer tomorrow afternoon and another on Friday. I really don't care if she found someone, but it's just all the lies and schemes to make our divorce so smooth, while she's out setting up her new relationship. This also explains a lot about her late nights last week in her hometown, where this guy also lives. I wanted to keep it clean and civil, but now I don't think I can. She can have whatever she wants. I want my kid and my house.

Chil,,I know how it hurts,,went through the exact same thing. My wife's boyfriend even had the nerve to call on xmas eve and demand that I put her on the phone so he could wish her a Merry xmas. By the way my mother was in the hospital dying of cancer at the time. My mother passed 3 weeks later. I immediatly packed up and moved out. i still remember sitting on the couch hugging my 2 little girls, knowing that life would never be the same. Live for your child, put away the hate and move on.

[dEnnis the Menace]

Well, now we have a whole new ballgame.... came home from work today and hopped on facebook, found she never logged out, and right in front of me is a chat conversation with a friend of hers, telling the friend of her new "long distance relationship" with a guy she reconnected with at her high school reunion. After I saw that I (naturally) did a little digging, and she's planning to fly back to FL to meet him where he's getting a hotel room for the two of them over the last weekend in August. Found a few more message streams talking about her "new storybook romance" and about how she'd like to move back to FL to be closer to him, but she knows I'd never let her. We aren't even legally separated yet, and we're still living together. I copied everything i could and sent them to my work email. I'm meeting with one lawyer tomorrow afternoon and another on Friday. I really don't care if she found someone, but it's just all the lies and schemes to make our divorce so smooth, while she's out setting up her new relationship. This also explains a lot about her late nights last week in her hometown, where this guy also lives. I wanted to keep it clean and civil, but now I don't think I can. She can have whatever she wants. I want my kid and my house.

 

My Aunt is currently going through a pretty nasty divorce, and Facebook has come up a couple of time. Be very careful with what you use, and how you use it, and make sure to note how you came across it. It's all important in this day and and age.

 

If it were me, I would want those same two things as well. Best of luck man!

 

 

Chil,,I know how it hurts,,went through the exact same thing. My wife's boyfriend even had the nerve to call on xmas eve and demand that I put her on the phone so he could wish her a Merry xmas. By the way my mother was in the hospital dying of cancer at the time. My mother passed 3 weeks later. I immediatly packed up and moved out. i still remember sitting on the couch hugging my 2 little girls, knowing that life would never be the same. Live for your child, put away the hate and move on.

 

That's rough man, no one should have to go through that in my opinion. <_<