mphs mike Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Sorry for your loss. I just returned from my mother's funeral in Buffalo and hope you are as supportive as my wife was to me. Godspeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taro T Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Sorry for your loss. I just returned from my mother's funeral in Buffalo and hope you are as supportive as my wife was to me. Godspeed. Mike, you also have my condolences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdexchange Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Write down the date of your FIL's death now, and put it as a recurring appt on your personal calendar, with a reminder a week ahead of time. It is now as important a date for you as her birthday and your anniversary. It took me two years to do this, and wish I had done it sooner so I would have known why she was so touchy. As others have said, just be there and keep your mouth shut. Just your presence will be a comfort. On the anniversary of your FIL's death, acknowledge that you are aware of it and that you are thinking of her. Just the acknowledgment and remembrance will be a comfort to her; knowing that she is not alone. That is great advice Korab. Sorry, nfreeman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swedesessed Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Very sorry to hear this man..thoughts and prayers are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
korab rules Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Mike, you also have my condolences. Mine as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohiofan Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Nfreeman -sorry for your loss. To respond to your question: My wife lost her mother 3 years ago. Now, the relationship between a daughter and her mother is different than between a father and daughter, but I am sure it will be no less traumatic. For guys, I think we grieve initially, but recover and move on. As time passes, we get to a point where the wound heals. I'm not sure the wound ever heals for women. My wife is a very strong woman, but three years later, a conversation or a memory can still bring tears. The anniversary of the death, birthdays, holidays and other important dates all rip the scab off. Initially, I think women are tougher than men - the whole caretaking thing kicks in, and they are strong for everyone else. The worst part is when the services are done and the family leaves and they are left alone with the memories. That's when she will finally let her guard down and the grieving will start. Write down the date of your FIL's death now, and put it as a recurring appt on your personal calendar, with a reminder a week ahead of time. It is now as important a date for you as her birthday and your anniversary. It took me two years to do this, and wish I had done it sooner so I would have known why she was so touchy. As others have said, just be there and keep your mouth shut. Just your presence will be a comfort. On the anniversary of your FIL's death, acknowledge that you are aware of it and that you are thinking of her. Just the acknowledgment and remembrance will be a comfort to her; knowing that she is not alone. You are the man. My husband always remembers the date my mother died 17 years ago and he sends me flowers. Every year. It means so very much to me, to know that he remembers, and he is thinking of her too. And you are right, when a woman loses her mother, it is a different kind of pain for her, I miss my mom every day. Losing dad would be no less painful, but a lot less of a never ending aching feeling. My MIL recently passed away. I found that my sisters in law grieved much more than my husband. You may find that you will be a shoulder for your wife's exended family as well. I found myself doing the tiny things no one else wanted to do during that time. The food advice was good! I remember when my mom died, my brother in law took care of my 6 month old, holding her, changing diapers, entertaining her, etc. It freed me up to focus on planning the funeral and such, and it really helped. I am sorry for your loss. You sound like the kind of guy who will go out of his way to help your wife and her family through this. they are lucky to have you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BADMOFO518 Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 sorry buddy keep your chin up :beer: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biodork Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Write down the date of your FIL's death now, and put it as a recurring appt on your personal calendar, with a reminder a week ahead of time. It is now as important a date for you as her birthday and your anniversary. It took me two years to do this, and wish I had done it sooner so I would have known why she was so touchy. To quote nfreeman: "Good man." When my grandmother died a little over 6 years ago it was hard on everyone in my family, but I had no idea how hard it would be on my mother even to this day. It also took me too long (sadly) to realize, but the advice to write down the date and acknowledge it each year is very well taken and will be greatly appreciated by your wife. Condolences to your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notwoz Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Nfreeman -sorry for your loss. To respond to your question: My wife lost her mother 3 years ago. Now, the relationship between a daughter and her mother is different than between a father and daughter, but I am sure it will be no less traumatic. For guys, I think we grieve initially, but recover and move on. As time passes, we get to a point where the wound heals. I'm not sure the wound ever heals for women. My wife is a very strong woman, but three years later, a conversation or a memory can still bring tears. The anniversary of the death, birthdays, holidays and other important dates all rip the scab off. Initially, I think women are tougher than men - the whole caretaking thing kicks in, and they are strong for everyone else. The worst part is when the services are done and the family leaves and they are left alone with the memories. That's when she will finally let her guard down and the grieving will start. Write down the date of your FIL's death now, and put it as a recurring appt on your personal calendar, with a reminder a week ahead of time. It is now as important a date for you as her birthday and your anniversary. It took me two years to do this, and wish I had done it sooner so I would have known why she was so touchy. As others have said, just be there and keep your mouth shut. Just your presence will be a comfort. On the anniversary of your FIL's death, acknowledge that you are aware of it and that you are thinking of her. Just the acknowledgment and remembrance will be a comfort to her; knowing that she is not alone. Sorry to hear of your family's loss, Nfreeman. And this advice from Korab is spot on. My dad died 10 years ago this past January. I make sure to call my mom (in Fla.) every year on my dad's birthday, anniversary of his death and their wedding anniversary. I never say why, just ask her how everything is going. She knows why I call, but never lets on. When the call is over, we both feel a little better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McJeff215 Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 My father-in-law was 73 and in relatively good health, but he collapsed today with a heart attack and passed away quickly. I had my differences with him, but he was a good guy. He raised 4 kids, who all turned out pretty well, and he stayed married to my borderline insane mother-in-law for 49 years. He coached his kids' sports teams, he helped them move in and out of school and various post-college apartments for at least 15 years, and he mortgaged his house to put them through college. He wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. As a Boston College alumnus -- the first member of his family to graduate from college -- he was a huge BC football fan. He was a season-ticket holder and still dragged my mother-in-law to 4 or 5 games a year. His all-time favorite BC alum was Doug Flutie. When Flutie had his great year with the Bills, he made the cover of SI, and I got it framed for my father-in-law for xmas that year. It's been on his TV room wall since then. He also loved the Red Sox. He read every word of the sports page -- good luck getting your hands on that anytime before lunchtime at their house. I met him in 1991, so I knew him for 20 years. I didn't think of him as one of my parents, but I do feel a real loss. I especially feel for my wife, who is hurting. As I said, he wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. He would have appreciated that amazing game tonight -- and I couldn't help thinking, when Gerbe, the BC hero, delivered in the shootout, that Denny was smiling somewhere. Sorry if this is too personal. Since I think there are a fair number of married guys around my age here, I was just wondering what others' experiences in losing an in-law have been like. Thanks for listening. My FIL died last year at this time (Feb 27th) due to cancer. Diagnosis was in August and he died in Feb. Make your job supporting your wife and her family. That's what I did and I really believe I helped them quite a bit! Sorry this happened to you. =( Now that we're hitting the year anniversary, lots of the same emotions are coming back up... which is 100% A-O-kay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derrico Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 My FIL died last year at this time (Feb 27th) due to cancer. Diagnosis was in August and he died in Feb. Make your job supporting your wife and her family. That's what I did and I really believe I helped them quite a bit! Sorry this happened to you. =( Now that we're hitting the year anniversary, lots of the same emotions are coming back up... which is 100% A-O-kay. Sorry to hear. My thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Oxhurtz Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 My father-in-law was 73 and in relatively good health, but he collapsed today with a heart attack and passed away quickly. I had my differences with him, but he was a good guy. He raised 4 kids, who all turned out pretty well, and he stayed married to my borderline insane mother-in-law for 49 years. He coached his kids' sports teams, he helped them move in and out of school and various post-college apartments for at least 15 years, and he mortgaged his house to put them through college. He wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. As a Boston College alumnus -- the first member of his family to graduate from college -- he was a huge BC football fan. He was a season-ticket holder and still dragged my mother-in-law to 4 or 5 games a year. His all-time favorite BC alum was Doug Flutie. When Flutie had his great year with the Bills, he made the cover of SI, and I got it framed for my father-in-law for xmas that year. It's been on his TV room wall since then. He also loved the Red Sox. He read every word of the sports page -- good luck getting your hands on that anytime before lunchtime at their house. I met him in 1991, so I knew him for 20 years. I didn't think of him as one of my parents, but I do feel a real loss. I especially feel for my wife, who is hurting. As I said, he wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. He would have appreciated that amazing game tonight -- and I couldn't help thinking, when Gerbe, the BC hero, delivered in the shootout, that Denny was smiling somewhere. Sorry if this is too personal. Since I think there are a fair number of married guys around my age here, I was just wondering what others' experiences in losing an in-law have been like. Thanks for listening. I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone a family member is never easy. I never lost an in-law, I lost 3 out of 4 grandparents, and I lost my brother when he was 26 (back in 97'). Losing my brother hurt the most. The rough times are the first of everythings after their passing (birthday, holidays, anniversary of their death). From personal experience, time doesn't heal the pain, it just fades it away a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nfreeman Posted February 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ladies and gentlemen -- thank you very much for all of your kind words and wishes. There were also great insights and pieces of life wisdom. I really appreciate it and I am not exaggerating when I say that this thread was quite meaningful for me today. mphsmike -- I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calti Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 My father-in-law was 73 and in relatively good health, but he collapsed today with a heart attack and passed away quickly. I had my differences with him, but he was a good guy. He raised 4 kids, who all turned out pretty well, and he stayed married to my borderline insane mother-in-law for 49 years. He coached his kids' sports teams, he helped them move in and out of school and various post-college apartments for at least 15 years, and he mortgaged his house to put them through college. He wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. As a Boston College alumnus -- the first member of his family to graduate from college -- he was a huge BC football fan. He was a season-ticket holder and still dragged my mother-in-law to 4 or 5 games a year. His all-time favorite BC alum was Doug Flutie. When Flutie had his great year with the Bills, he made the cover of SI, and I got it framed for my father-in-law for xmas that year. It's been on his TV room wall since then. He also loved the Red Sox. He read every word of the sports page -- good luck getting your hands on that anytime before lunchtime at their house. I met him in 1991, so I knew him for 20 years. I didn't think of him as one of my parents, but I do feel a real loss. I especially feel for my wife, who is hurting. As I said, he wasn't a hockey fan, but he was a sports fan. He would have appreciated that amazing game tonight -- and I couldn't help thinking, when Gerbe, the BC hero, delivered in the shootout, that Denny was smiling somewhere. Sorry if this is too personal. Since I think there are a fair number of married guys around my age here, I was just wondering what others' experiences in losing an in-law have been like. Thanks for listening. sorry for your loss..God bless you and yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calti Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Sorry for your loss. I just returned from my mother's funeral in Buffalo and hope you are as supportive as my wife was to me. Godspeed. My sympathies to you and your family.God bless you..and may you remain close to your mom.I'm sure you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.