The last time Bubba watched

[PASabreFan]

Here's something I found in my vast collection of stuff I've saved off the Internet over the years. Kind of funny. Can't remember what fan site this came from.

 

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The truth about the Sabres' loss is out there

 

WASHINGTON ? "Mr. President, we need to talk," said the bow-tied and hound-faced United States Senator from New York, Daniel Patrick Moynihan. "I need your help."

 

"Yes, Pat. For you, anything," answered the President of the United States, taking off his jacket, slipping his arm around the Senator's shoulder and quickly glancing down at the MCI Center ice.

 

"Oh God. Wellington Mara, the owner of the New York Giants, has some very, shall we say, nasty pictures of me and two of my interns. I think you can appreciate the position I am in..." mumbled Moynihan.

 

"What position is that!?" roared the President, jamming another fistful of nachos into his mouth. "And, TWO interns! Patrick! You stud!"

 

"Very funny, sir. Now, seriously. My liberal white ass is finished if these pictures get out. If I can somehow deliver two wins for the Giants over the Washington Redskins next season, Mara is willing to burn the pictures."

 

"Are they Polaroids? They never come out too good for me in dimly lit hotel rooms... WHOA! DID YOU SEE THE BLONDE BABE WITH THE PUCKHEAD!"

 

"MR. PRESIDENT!"

 

"All right, settle down, Moynihan. I think we can get a deal done. Our people at the CIA have some information about one of the owners' meetings in Florida and a certain junket Tags made to Bimini. Another basket of french fries, Bettman!"

 

"Right away, sir," answered the Commissioner of the NHL, one row behind two of the most powerful men in the world.

 

Gary Bettman smiled.

 

"Now, what's in it for Bubba?"

 

"Mr. President, I have inside information that Abe Pollin, owner of the Capitals, is being pressured by Ken Starr into testifying against you regarding your involvement in that seedy limousine incident in 1989 involving four Caps players and an underage woman. What if I told you I could deliver this game to the Caps and get Starr off your back?"

 

Bettman handed the fries to the president and glanced at Moynihan, who winked back.

 

Bill Clinton thoughtfully stared at the ice, wondering when that funky red light would come on again and what it means anyway, then motioned to one of his Secret Service agents.

 

"Bring me Abe Pollin."

 

The rest of the details cannot be revealed right now. Rest assured my source is impeccable, better than Deep Throat. Needless to say, given the events on Monday night in Washington, DC, a deal was struck. Clinton talked to Pollin, then called Tagliabue on his secure cell phone. Moynihan and Bettman huddled. Bettman transmitted a message into the tiny chip implanted in Kerry Fraser's brain.

 

The Giants will sweep the season series with the Redskins this fall, the photos of Moynihan will be burned, the CIA records of Tagliabue will be shredded, Pollin will have a massive "stroke" and be unable to testify against the President.

 

Everyone won. Except the Buffalo Sabres.

 

Peter Bondra in the crease? No video review. Bondra runs Dominik Hasek late in the game? Hasek gets the only penalty. Icing in overtime? The call is conveniently blown. You saw the linesman standing on the grassy knoll, didn't you?

 

The President didn't even bother to stay to see Todd Krygier's goal. He had the dirty little luxury box deal he came for. Besides, the night was wasting and the blonde with the puckhead had looked in his direction three times.

 

Never mind the carefully crafted efforts to make the officiating look evenhanded, or at least equally bad for both sides. Fraser ignored Miroslav Satan's vicious butt ending of Chris Simon very close to his eye, then awarded the Sabres a borderline power play with two minutes to go that allowed Esa Tikkanen to inadvertently tie the game.

 

That was just a ruse.

 

Never mind the government agents who will try to manipulate public opinion and point out that the Capitals played with more emotion and wanted the game more desperately than the Sabres.

 

That the Sabres kept shooting the puck at the Caps logo on Olaf Kolzig's chest and never found a way to score their characteristic timely goal to take a two-goal lead.

 

That the Caps peppered Hasek with shots from all over the ice, got traffic on him ? scoring on a deflection and a rebound ? and finally got under his skin.

 

That Hasek first lost his shutout, then his cool and finally his concentration in overtime as he let in a third goal in 23 minutes waiting for an icing call that, of course, would never come.

 

Please, I beg all those reading my words on the Internet, don't listen to them! Help me tell the world the real truth! Call Chuck Dickerson, write a letter to the sports section of the Buffalo News, send flaming posts to the Washington Capitals newsgroup. Does anyone know Oliver Stone's email address?

 

But, first, I need to tell you the WHOLE truth about who or what is really behind this conspiracy. A truth which will shake the very foundation of our society and immeasurably alter our future on earth. Six days ago, in the skies over Western Canada, fourkjlthlkdl;kfjlkx......jc....../////..................

 

(Editor's note: Technical difficulties prevent the author from finishing his column. Don't bother checking back later.)